Lilian Diaz, CA
I never imagine writing about this, as I have always been ashamed of it. But today for the first time, I want to be STRONG and tell my story. I’ve been hiding for too long; I became an expert on pretending everything was fine or making myself believe that I deserve what I got. He always said, what happens here is between you and me and it’s nobody’s business.
He doesn’t deserve my silence!
My story began 22yrs ago; please don’t judge me, I know I waited way too long. I’m writing my story for all of you who are being hurt, and you think its too late to leave. It’s never too late!
I was only 22yrs old when I married him because I was in love; he gave me everything I could want in a partner, he was loving, kind, fun, etc. Soon after we married, the abuse started. He began cheating; one after the other, it destroyed my self-steam, my confidence, I started questioning myself.
Am I not enough? Am I fat? Was I not blonde enough? Wasn’t I fun? Am I not pretty enough?
And I ended up changing who I am, what I believe in and what I know to be right. All for him; but it still wasn’t enough, when I question him the physical abuse began. Every time I tried to stand up for myself, he would knock me down emotionally and physically. Nothing I ever did was good enough, and the more I tried the worst I felt.
Things quickly escalated; I tried to fight for what I knew I deserved, I wanted to love, respect, but that brought on more physical abuse. It brings me to tears to remember; he cut my hair, push me to the grown, slaps me, chocked me, even had me called my mom to say goodbye because he was threatening to kill me. He treated me like I was nothing, and I felt like I was nothing. I started to believe it. On one of these episodes, my sister who lived next door calls the cops after hearing my screams. He was hurting me, and I couldn’t make him stop things only kept getting worse. Even after that, I couldn’t bring myself to press charges but the state did and so he began “domestic violence classes” which help somewhat.
He didn’t speak to my sister for over a year, and because of that, I missed the birth of my first niece. He was so mad at my sister that didn’t allow me to visit her or go to the hospital when she had the baby. He blamed me for the fees and the time he spent for the classes, for spending time I jail and for bringing outsiders into our problems. The physical abuse stopped somewhat, and I’m saying somewhat because he always threats to hurt me, it never truly went away. He used to say “don’t push my buttons” it can get really ugly and it’s going to be your fault if I go to jail.
The cheating never stopped, other women always took priority in his life and his decisions. Even when I tried to voice my opinion he would say, I was just insecure or paranoid. Always found a way to turn it around and I would always end up apologizing for trying to stand up for myself, for wanting more. I was always second, and afterthought. For many years; I pretended everything was fine, and that he had changed but I was lying to myself and everybody else around me.
Six years ago, I was diagnosed with cancer and he was supportive through it all. He helped me through the recuperation and for a little while it seems that cancer had brought us together but just like before it was only temporary. About 2yrs after cancer, I started noticing that he was again distant, absent, and started to get verbally abusive. Things went back to normal, he started working a lot and always said it was for me even though we never pay out our debt, went on vacations or live a lavish life. So, he pushed me to find a therapist/support group because he said I had to work through MY (keyword) issues.
There were always these glimpses of light, love, and hope. All I ever wanted from him was his time, his love, his support. Even when he was home, he was distant, always on the phone, always somewhere else. Towards the end, the verbal abuse started to get worst. He walked around the house yelling out “FUCK”, or telling how nobody could ever love me because cancer damages me physically. I could never have kids, and physical intimacy is difficult for me. I was always walking on eggshells, didn’t want to upset him, didn’t want to question anything, didn’t want to be hurt. And, the threats came back, you don’t want to be one of those stories on the news because you don’t know when to shut up, he’d say. Women always wonder why they get a slap, just leave me alone and stop asking 20 questions. I could never ask, where he was going or with who? It was none of my business.
Two weeks after our 21st wedding anniversary, I found him at a Travel Lodge 2 miles from our house with a much younger woman and when I confronted him in the parking lot……… He lied, denied it, cried in front of me and told me a very elaborate story but I had proof that he was cheating again. Deep down I always knew it, but after all the years of emotional abuse I learned to suppress my gut feeling, I learned to ignore myself. But this time was different!
I didn’t want to live like this anymore, he moved out 6 months later and divorce came right after that. He still can’t believe that I was willing to fight for what I deserve, that I was willing to throw away 21yrs of marriage. Cancer saved me! I don’t know how else to say it; I realized life is more than just hurt, waiting long nights wondering where or who he is with, constantly being disappointed because I expected him to show up for me and didn’t. Along the scary and dark path were family and friends that showed me what true love and friendship is.
I wanted more, I deserved more, I was willing to stand up to him for what I deserved. He was expecting the same reaction/acceptance but he had been missing so much that he didn’t realize I had changed. I was no longer going to stand for the abuse, I was not going to be second anymore.
I am 46yrs old now and I am free working on myself; with every day comes new hope, new adventures, new love. I am learning to love myself because; I am enough, I am faithful, I am kind, I am funny, I am supportive. This is one chapter of my life, working on the next. I hope my story finds you and helps you see you are stronger than you think. It’s never too late!- Lilian Diaz, CA
He doesn’t deserve my silence!
My story began 22yrs ago; please don’t judge me, I know I waited way too long. I’m writing my story for all of you who are being hurt, and you think its too late to leave. It’s never too late!
I was only 22yrs old when I married him because I was in love; he gave me everything I could want in a partner, he was loving, kind, fun, etc. Soon after we married, the abuse started. He began cheating; one after the other, it destroyed my self-steam, my confidence, I started questioning myself.
Am I not enough? Am I fat? Was I not blonde enough? Wasn’t I fun? Am I not pretty enough?
And I ended up changing who I am, what I believe in and what I know to be right. All for him; but it still wasn’t enough, when I question him the physical abuse began. Every time I tried to stand up for myself, he would knock me down emotionally and physically. Nothing I ever did was good enough, and the more I tried the worst I felt.
Things quickly escalated; I tried to fight for what I knew I deserved, I wanted to love, respect, but that brought on more physical abuse. It brings me to tears to remember; he cut my hair, push me to the grown, slaps me, chocked me, even had me called my mom to say goodbye because he was threatening to kill me. He treated me like I was nothing, and I felt like I was nothing. I started to believe it. On one of these episodes, my sister who lived next door calls the cops after hearing my screams. He was hurting me, and I couldn’t make him stop things only kept getting worse. Even after that, I couldn’t bring myself to press charges but the state did and so he began “domestic violence classes” which help somewhat.
He didn’t speak to my sister for over a year, and because of that, I missed the birth of my first niece. He was so mad at my sister that didn’t allow me to visit her or go to the hospital when she had the baby. He blamed me for the fees and the time he spent for the classes, for spending time I jail and for bringing outsiders into our problems. The physical abuse stopped somewhat, and I’m saying somewhat because he always threats to hurt me, it never truly went away. He used to say “don’t push my buttons” it can get really ugly and it’s going to be your fault if I go to jail.
The cheating never stopped, other women always took priority in his life and his decisions. Even when I tried to voice my opinion he would say, I was just insecure or paranoid. Always found a way to turn it around and I would always end up apologizing for trying to stand up for myself, for wanting more. I was always second, and afterthought. For many years; I pretended everything was fine, and that he had changed but I was lying to myself and everybody else around me.
Six years ago, I was diagnosed with cancer and he was supportive through it all. He helped me through the recuperation and for a little while it seems that cancer had brought us together but just like before it was only temporary. About 2yrs after cancer, I started noticing that he was again distant, absent, and started to get verbally abusive. Things went back to normal, he started working a lot and always said it was for me even though we never pay out our debt, went on vacations or live a lavish life. So, he pushed me to find a therapist/support group because he said I had to work through MY (keyword) issues.
There were always these glimpses of light, love, and hope. All I ever wanted from him was his time, his love, his support. Even when he was home, he was distant, always on the phone, always somewhere else. Towards the end, the verbal abuse started to get worst. He walked around the house yelling out “FUCK”, or telling how nobody could ever love me because cancer damages me physically. I could never have kids, and physical intimacy is difficult for me. I was always walking on eggshells, didn’t want to upset him, didn’t want to question anything, didn’t want to be hurt. And, the threats came back, you don’t want to be one of those stories on the news because you don’t know when to shut up, he’d say. Women always wonder why they get a slap, just leave me alone and stop asking 20 questions. I could never ask, where he was going or with who? It was none of my business.
Two weeks after our 21st wedding anniversary, I found him at a Travel Lodge 2 miles from our house with a much younger woman and when I confronted him in the parking lot……… He lied, denied it, cried in front of me and told me a very elaborate story but I had proof that he was cheating again. Deep down I always knew it, but after all the years of emotional abuse I learned to suppress my gut feeling, I learned to ignore myself. But this time was different!
I didn’t want to live like this anymore, he moved out 6 months later and divorce came right after that. He still can’t believe that I was willing to fight for what I deserve, that I was willing to throw away 21yrs of marriage. Cancer saved me! I don’t know how else to say it; I realized life is more than just hurt, waiting long nights wondering where or who he is with, constantly being disappointed because I expected him to show up for me and didn’t. Along the scary and dark path were family and friends that showed me what true love and friendship is.
I wanted more, I deserved more, I was willing to stand up to him for what I deserved. He was expecting the same reaction/acceptance but he had been missing so much that he didn’t realize I had changed. I was no longer going to stand for the abuse, I was not going to be second anymore.
I am 46yrs old now and I am free working on myself; with every day comes new hope, new adventures, new love. I am learning to love myself because; I am enough, I am faithful, I am kind, I am funny, I am supportive. This is one chapter of my life, working on the next. I hope my story finds you and helps you see you are stronger than you think. It’s never too late!- Lilian Diaz, CA